Over the course of my lifetime I have come to accept that I attract the people and the situations into my life experience based on my my vibrational frequency and that I must take full responsibility for everything that occurs. The overwhelming majority of what comes into my realm of experience is joyous and positive. I’m giving out good energy and vibes and the universe is bouncing that back to me in kind. It’s what happens every once in awhile that forces me to take pause and question what I’m doing each day and what changes are in order so that I can move forward in a way that is meaningful to my life’s purpose.
During the past two weeks several people I have connected with through my online business have been anything but positive and joyous. I do realize that hiding somewhat anonymously behind a computer somewhere on the planet can be too much of a temptation for people who wish to wreak havoc with others for some unknown reason. So when the first person verbally assaulted and insulted me and what I am doing in my business I took it with a grain of salt. Okay, a few grains, very large grains, but down deep it hurt my heart and my soul. Then something similar happened again and then once again and I had to shut down my computers, iPad, and iPhone and go out into nature to take a closer look at what had happened and what I had done to attract these three toxic people into my realm of consciousness.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer in 1992 my mother told me I had attracted this into my life. I told her that idea was ridiculous and that no one can will themselves to get cancer. She corrected me by telling me she didn’t say I had “willed” myself to have cancer but that I had “attracted” it into my life. We agreed to disagree and I went about the task of following the directives of the doctors and other medical professionals as they attempted to save my life.
It was during this year when I was introduced to visualization and positive thinking in a way I was not familiar with up until that point in time. The oncologist and his team approached me slowly and carefully with these ideas, allowing me to say no at any point along the way. Dr. Weingrad opened with “We’ve been doing something with the children we are treating and it has been very effective so far.”
I agreed before he had completely finished speaking and he and the others smiled slightly without revealing any teeth. I later learned that they were cautiously optimistic about everyone and everything because so many of their patients did not survive the first year. Somehow I knew that I would beat the odds and occasionally I would try to get one of them to smile.
When I had asked Dr. Wong the month before why he never smiled he told me in no uncertain terms that he was in a career where death was more common than remission. When I stated that I would be in the latter group he frowned a little more and went about his work. But now I was focused on Dr. Weingrad’s experimental program and I was all in.
This program involved sitting with a person from the hospital (I’m not sure what their official title was, but I believe they were a hospital volunteer) and making some small talk as the lights in the room were dimmed and I was asked to sit back, relax, and close my eyes. They then proceeded to take me through what is known as a guided meditation where I was to picture in my mind’s eye the cancer cells that had developed and were growing in my body. There were enormous in size and black in color. Their texture was like cooked okra and the smell was rancid.
Then I envisioned the healthy cells that moved in and out of the tissue of my diseased organ, attempting to save my life. Each of these healthy cells then became a super hero, tall and athletic in build with kind eyes and a friendly demeanor. Each super hero was kicking and attacking the cancer cells until each one of them was killed or at least maimed. It was violent and exhausting, while at the same time comforting and exhilarating to the point where I could not wait for the next time I could go into battle.
After each session was over we had a discussion of how to best describe my current situation to myself and to others. I learned to say that I was being treated for cancer and that I was improving each day. I was instructed to NOT ever think or say out loud that I was a cancer patient or that I was dying from cancer. All self-talk had to be positive and uplifting. I was to refrain from spending time with anyone who was negative, in general or specifically about me and my cancer, and if this was someone in my household they were to be reported immediately.
This entire episode empowered me and gave me renewed hope, something quickly lost if you feel like a situation is more than you can bear and will ultimately defeat you.
Obviously, the cancer I’m writing about here did not defeat me. Over the months and years I soon forgot all about these valuable sessions of guided meditation and positive self-talk instruction. I slipped back into old habits, as is common when you are not a person who is used to personal development or self-improvement as a regular part of your life. That described me and my life journey for many decades.
Everything changed when I resigned from the school district at the end of the school year in 2006 and followed that bold action with giving away my best real estate clients to those who could better serve them. I no longer accepted any new appraisal assignments and planned to allow my State license lapse when it came up for renewal. Overnight I had thrust myself into a life of solitude, sitting at an uncomfortable desk in my master bedroom and staring at the twenty-one inch screen attached to my desktop computer. I needed a new chair but that wasn’t in the budget.
The first month or so was freeing in many ways. I could awake when I was ready and not a moment before. I still ate a banana and had a glass of juice around ten o’clock, as that had been my daily routine while I was working in the classroom. At home my banana was on a porcelain plate and my juice was in a real glass, and there was no bell to tell me recess was over and to get back on task.
One morning I realized it was almost noon and I had yet to do anything productive for this new business. I left for my Rotary meeting (a new part of my life and an effort to be around human beings once in awhile) and was greeted at the door by a man I still know to this day.
After smiling and shaking my hand he asked “So, are you one of those bloggers?” in a condescending tone. He had caught me by surprise and I mumbled something about having some blogs but not doing this exclusively. The rest of that day’s meeting was a blur as I replayed his comment, my reaction, and what I could have said to explain myself and my new business in a better way.
All the way home I thought about how his words and tone had made me feel. Just when I was starting to feel like someone who was capable of starting and building a successful business and connecting with intelligent people from the community who would understand and be supportive of what I was doing, I had been taken out like prey caught off guard by a skilled hunter. I was confused and uncertain about my future and went home and took a long nap.
The following morning was a Thursday and I decided to spend most of the day researching what I was feeling and how to better defend myself when I saw this man the next week at our meeting. What transpired during my day of research was the beginning of the first day of the rest of my life.
Without going into too much detail, that day led to the discovery that my mother was indeed correct when she told me I had attracted cancer into my life. I learned to accept full responsibility for everything that I encountered, to the point where I believed I was responsible not only for developing cancer in my body but also for being in south Miami at exactly the time when Hurricane Andrew came through, as well as being less than a mile from the epicenter of the Northridge earthquake just a year and a half later.
I was simultaneously empowered and frightened half to death. Within my thoughts and actions I held the power to create my life experience? Could this be true? Yes, perhaps and I was determined to take my new life for a spin. Positive thoughts, beliefs, and actions led to previously unimaginable results. The opposite was true as well. My study continues as I am sure it will for the remainder of my life.
This is not a perfect science. I suspect it isn’t meant to be. I’ll be going along so well for awhile when next thing I know life is sneaking up behind me with a half-nelson and throwing me to the ground. This happened as I emerged from grocery shopping one day and next thing I knew I was flat on my face and wondering how I would ever get up. Then a young couple floated over to me and each took an arm. I was standing up and they were handing me my purse and my keys and asking if I needed anything else.
Everything is possible. When your mind goes to the place where the things you want in life appear to be impossible, re-frame this thought and believe that it’s all about redefining the possible. The United States did this during the early 1960s and put a man on the moon in 1969. Everything is possible.
The journey continues and I am at the ready for each new lesson. Perhaps the day will come when everything has evened out and the road ahead is smooth and navigable at every turn but I’m not going to hold my breath. Other than that I’m enjoying this life thing very much, as least most of the time.
I’m Connie Ragen Green, a fellow adventurer traveling around the sun each day. Connect with me on Twitter and I’ll show you around.